Col

My smoke detector protects me from fire, carbon monoxide and toast.

“I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.” Lily Tomlin

You might not like an awkward silence, but the silence is much less awkward than when I start talking.

Just heard someone say chips and fish... I've never felt so irritated, why don't you go fetch the pepper and salt from Dec and Ant while you're at it!!

I remember Halloween as a kid, parents used to make their kids dip their heads into water for apples. Essentially, it was waterboarding. And people ask why we kids were tougher than today's.

RT @thebowlerhatman: Farewell Patrick Stewart... Another legend has left us. RIP Sir. Thank you for the magic.

RT @clark_gasm: So relatable. #Dead ☠️☠️😂

Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row.... I hoped you would have stopped inviting me by now.

Believe you can and you're halfway there.” Theodore Roosevelt

No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.

At school they told me to "GO FOR BROKE I'm happy to report that I succeeded.

RT @MattCartoonist: My latest cartoon for tomorrow's @Telegraph Buy a print of my cartoons at Original artwork from

RT @brihall71: @countcol Hehe throw a 6 and get another go 👍🏻

RT @StuartHumphryes: Photographed in colour 111 years ago, this young lady is Mademoiselle Paquin, a young student at the domestic school in Nancy, France, during the Great War. I have cleaned-up this charming Autochrome portrait which was taken in May 1915 by Auguste Leon - and you would be correct in supposing that she was a classmate of the girl whose portrait I posted yesterday. This photo was taken in colour using an early colour glass-plate process and isn't colourised.

RT @MissEdelweiZ: @countcol Try the cake next time.

“I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.” Steven Wright

I love board games, my favorite is the one where you see how much of the meat, cheese and crackers you can eat before anyone else gets a turn.

Chemist: I was closing. What do you need? Me: I think I'm a moth. Chemist: Why come to me? Me: Your light was still on.

When I ordered my BLT sandwich the other day, my mate got confused and ordered a LGBT sandwich, I laughed but then I thought, mmmmmm perhaps I'll have one too! 😉

RT @LCFCshitposting: Up the Fleetwood

RT @manslaper: @countcol . And your butt ugly